Can of Doom

Recently I began noticing ants around the house. I don’t generally mind ants, as long as they don’t move around in numbers, but they found a dusbin, and the meagre treasure quickly caused a little black river to form across my clean floor. Soon they were inspecting all the clean surfaces and even the fridge.

I felt sorry for them, but the ants had to go.  I sprayed a little quirt of Doom around the dustbin like one would spray perfume, and sprayed the fridge more carefully as I didn’t want to find any ants inside. I was shocked when I turned around to see instant death around the dustbin, and astonishingly quickly the little black river reversed course and dried up completely. This Doom was potent stuff!

Life carried on and I forgot about the spraying of the fridge. I was working on the computer and thinking about the packet of chips I had successfully ignored for 2 weeks. The chips weren’t going to make it through the night… 

To soothe my health-conscious conscience, I grabbed a handful of hazelnuts from the fridge before slaying the packet of chips, afterwards licking my fingers with relish.

A friend popped in to see the house, and my sister called and we chatted for a bit. I felt a growing unease, but ascribed it to recent difficulties with my family. I also have some food sensitivity issues, and assumed the chips flavouring didn’t agree with me. I finished up on the laptop, brushed my teeth and headed for bed. 

Lying in bed, the discomfort grew noticeably. My stomach muscles roiled like stormy seas, massaging the contents of my stomach to foamy frenzy. Sharp pains stabbed through me. I realised this was a bit more than stress or food sensitivity, but couldn’t figure out what.

A slow motion action-replay flickered across my mind: my hand reaching to open the recently sprayed fridge door and grab a handful of hazelnuts, cut to me licking my fingers after eating the chips.

I was Doomed!

My body soon made it very clear that it intended to expel the contents of my stomach with extreme prejudice. I headed for the bathroom again, wondering miserably how bad it was going to get.

The quickest way to get rid of unwanted stomach contents would be vomiting, but my body inexplicably has an aversion to this, using it only as a last resort. It figures that pushing poisoned contents through hundreds of meters of intestines would do a better job. And until my body is ready to hurl, nothing on this earth can induce it to do so.

It felt like my muscles were trying to rip open my stomach and dump the contents directly. I felt incredibly nauseous, and I was perspiring and shivering uncontrollably. As I waited for the bottom to drop out of my world, I considered my options for help.

I didn’t have friends nearby, but I could always call an ambulance. But then I’d have to shower and get dressed, crawl downstairs and go lie out on the pavement for them to pick me up, like trash. It sounded like too much effort, and I decided to pray and roll with the punches.

Eventually my stomach eased up on me, and I dragged my sweat-soaked self back to bed. I’d scarcely laid down when my body informed me that it was time for the last resort, and in preparation all the stops were pulled out.

My pores opened anew. My throat started convulsing. Saliva sloshed around my mouth. I leaned over the loo, shivering, hoping my traitorous body wasn’t just toying with me, only to back down at the last second.

My body hesitated for a long moment, then committed. My stomach convulsed painfully, forcefully pushing its vile contents through mouth and nose, and then again. I coughed out the last bitterness and went to brush my teeth. Weakly lying in bed, stomach muscles still quivering from exertion, I fell into an uneasy sleep.

This morning my stomach was still swollen cramping. I gingerly ate some food and although my body accepted it, it’s not happy about it. I managed to come to work but I haven’t been very productive.

All because of a small amount of insect killer on my fingers. If such a small amount can have such a profound effect, I shudder to think how little it would take to do some serious damage. 

Please be careful with this stuff, and, seriously, keep it away from children.

EDIT: Apparently I am a woos wuss, and it is unlikely the Doom caused my near-demise, as it is only a blue band poison, and therefore very light …

Author: Ri

Biker, musician and coder. Enjoy writing about my travels. Also started to write an app, thought I'd blog about it.

2 thoughts on “Doomed!”

  1. Just how many handfuls of chips did you have? 🙂

    I’d love to call you a woos but actually even the smell of Doom makes me nauseous.

    1. Apparently I should be blaming the nuts…? But they’ve been either in the freezer or fridge since I bought them, and they never affected me before. Ah well. Maybe I’ll try some tonight and see what happens.

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